As a single, there is one particular question, tried and true that is as frequent and just as annoying as whatever song Nova has deemed popular for the month. Listen carefully to the delivery and you’ll hear traces of concern possibly with a hint of pity every time. Almost as intrusive as “how is that rash?” yet as unanswerable on a Saturday night as “what happened to that bottle of vodka?”. The loaded question apparently on everybody’s lips, “why are you single?”
Now this question of course, can have varying degrees of concern/pity/confusion/curiosity depending on who is asking the question. The main two candidates querying the size of your wolfpack of course are:
1) the potential prince charming and
2) the parental figure/all family members.
The potential asking you has already started doing the maths in their head before they’ve even finished the question. Adding your age with your answer and then multiplying it by your hotness to determine whether this will go straight to the bedroom or progress to a second date. The crazy-hot scale usually comes into play here too, adding a whole new equation to the situation depending on how you see the scale. Some people think the hotter you are the crazier you will be, while some believe that the hotter you are the crazier you’re allowed to be. Either way, whether you’re batshit crazy or not, they’re going to find out eventually, so the question posed with any new conquest is really just wasting time these days, and using unnecessary brain power on dated dating algorithms.
“Why are you single” or variations of the question coming from any parental figure is delivered with concern for their unborn grandchildren, apparently the biological clock ticks a lot louder in most parents heads then it does your own. I think it’s probably the main reason most singles have “uni/work/hair washing commitments” for any family gathering. I’ve come to the conclusion possibly the best answer is to buy one of those creepy boyfriend pillows and take it to family gatherings. He’s kind of the perfect addition to any family gathering really. He won’t take food from my plate, share stories about how wasted I was the night before, and when I inevitably drink myself under the table, that creepy pillow arm will be perfect to pass out on. I figure if it ever got to that point my family will just give up and assume I’ve finally lost the plot, and move the question onto the next inline. It’s a win win really.
For every great scene, there is an equally rad soundtrack, whenever this question is posed, I can’t help but hear “one is the loneliest number” playing in the background. As a self-appointed, accidental expert at being a single however, I beg to differ. I’ve come to the realisation that one isn’t necessarily solo, you just have make sure that the glass you’re drinking from is half full. In fact there are plenty of ONE’s that really aren’t alone. ONE family feast from KFC feeds many, or few depending on how hung-over you are. In fact, follow the original recipe, you’ve pretty much got a metaphor for being single. If you go out too late, you’re bound to miss the fresh pieces and end up taking home the dregs. Throw in some breasts and thighs, which let’s be honest are sometimes more satisfying when left inside the packaging. And you go through it all with your best pals and sidekicks, who in this metaphor play the role of potato and gravy and coleslaw. Not so lonely after all.
Metaphors and bad eating habits aside, I do realise that this post may look like a pro singe party, and probably insinuates that I’m not interested in ever being successful in love, as I continue to dodge the question. The truth of the matter is though it’ s quite the opposite, I just haven’t come up with a wittier response then “just lucky I guess” For better or worse, we all play the hand we are dealt. Why am I single? A question that none of us will probably be able to answer, but take solice in the fact, that ironically singles are not alone. A one man wolfpack very rarely runs on their own. It just so happens that instead of the knight in shining armour card we’re waiting for, the universe keeps handing us one that looks more like an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.
…love, lala x
My wolf tee from the rad kids at LIFE Clothing Co, by now you all know how much I love a good tshirt, and these guys have some of the raddest designs on tees I’ve seen in a while! You can find them at http://www.lifeclothingco.com/index.php/press or http://www.urbanoutfitters.com