It’s an unspoken law of the universe, anytime someone dresses up as a cat, you’re pretty much guaranteed to pick up. We all know, when in doubt, cat costume will make sure you take home someone who puts out. Granted, my attempt at a costume was a half arsed drunken sharpie Picasso cat on my face, I still figured it wouldn’t take much to win this one.
As I was being transformed over vodka, I wondered what it would be like if the single society adopted the sharpie makeout session before they headed out. I’m not saying we should all start sporting kitten noses & whiskers, however it would definitely help increase the odds that everyone’s night would have a happy ending if there were a few texta additions. How rad it would be if everyone walked around with a few key words about them scribbled across their foreheads. It would make the dating game a whole lot easier that’s for sure.
Had the ghosts of my dating past featured these sharpie embellishments on their foreheads I could have saved myself so many bottles of vodka, and had those hours of my life back I wasted listening to the tales of the latest puffed up budgie that the universe had sent me. I’m not asking for a paragraph or a link to your instagram account, let’s be real, I’m probably no going to start following you. Just a few simple words to help everyone out. “Goes crazy after a month”, “Commitment issues”, “Watches you while you’re sleeping…from outside the window” or “Blows in 2.5 seconds” ..maybe the last one could just be on a stamp. It seems to have some frequent flyer points behind it. I’ve lost count of the number of times that one would have to be used.
The golden ratio of single success is 1:5. For every 5 duds you meet, generally 1 tends to be good enough to entertain you for at least a month or so. But finding that elusive one, in what sometimes seems like a KFC Bucket with only the dregs, can be exhausting at the best of times. At least the authenticity of people seems to be getting easier to read for me.I highly doubt this is because I’m apparently older & wiser. I’d say it’s more so that it appears that we all up and relocated to faketown without even noticing the moving vans. I maintain that the deciphering has always been easier for dudes though. Let’s be honest, if you can’t spot a fake lash, tan or set of tits by now, do us all a favour, jump ship and sign up for mardi gras.
As I looked in the mirror later that night, cat nose still intact, challenge successfully completed, and a few extra not so P.G sharpie adornments added to the rest of my body, I thought about what my scribble would say. Whether it was the level of vodka or the fumes from the sharpie, for the first time in my life my mind came to a blank and no words appeared. It was then I realized that I was already onto the Colonel’s secret recipe with my kitty face delivering happy endings. Feel free to try it next time you head out. Guarantee if you choose a set of whiskers as an accessory, you won’t need to wear the beer goggles to help you swallow your fate
…love, lala x