If I could put together a list of things girls never want to hear before they are about to shag someone, I guarantee this would be hovering around the top. Infact, the only thing ahead of it would be “So I used to be a woman and I’m in the final stage’s of my reassignment surgery, so till then, do you mind attaching my strap on?”… although, after being on the literal receiving end of the weight comment, maybe I’d be ok with fastening a few buckles?

In some crazy universal dose of karma for “times when you should shut your mouth”, I probably deserved this one. I’m not exactly known for my subtlety, infact my reputation for being inappropriately blunt usually precedes me. (Just an FYI for those of you playing at home: it is NEVER acceptable to hint that someone’s dick is too small, or that they are boring. Even during a break up. Even if it’s true. Apparently these are dot points that are never allowed to be used)

So I gained a couple of kgs during hibernation, but it wasn’t like I should have been the latest recruit for a gastric bypass. It’s safe to say it was calls like this, from yet another winner from my dating world, that sobered me up and phase out began.

The moral of today’s story is; if you’ve got to a point where a chick is happy to get naked and you’re about to get off, you should probably just be grateful & enjoy that. You don’t even have to say thank you. Just shut up, that’s fine.

…love, lala x

Just incase this person happens to stumble across this post, I’m putting a little editor’s note in here: Its January now and I definitely haven’t heard those words from anyone else since.